from: The Discovery of the Titanic - Robert D. Ballard
The research vessel Knorr heaved and plunged with the ocean swell as I leaned out over the bow railing, squinting into the blackness.
Eighty years ago, I died here. The same dark night, the same cold ocean, the same mysterious air. This is where I lost him, let go of his hand when I shouldn't. Only to die the same death; only to be eaten by the same dark cold waters that ate him. I cheated. I wanted desperately to survive but to do that, I had to get rid of him. He didn't know how to swim and he clung to me for his life. But I can't save him and me at the same time. Only one. Only one of us. I knew how to swim, and his life was in my hand.
"Hold my hand," I said, but my legs treaded the cold waters which made me move away from him. Splashes of salty cold water hit my face until he disappeared.
Then a lifeboat. There were hands extended and I heard yelling for me to grasp them. Above the yelling, I heard, "We can't have anymore. Let her swim to the next one, they only have five!"
"We can't have anymore!" But I clung to it until a strong hand pulled me up. I would survive after all. But when I looked, his other hand had a pistol. Although shivering from the cold, I still felt the coldness of the barrel as it touched my forehead. A deafening noise. A bright spark. Then it was just all darkness.
I had heard that after we die, we are always re-born, and each time we are free of the memories of our last life. Not me. I suppose I'd been sent to hell.
Sunday May 20th, 2018
18 hours ago