at the dance

Lovestruck.

Yes, Benjamin and I were lovestruck. The mere thought of him, his face, his eyes, his smile, always made me feel light-headed. The mere sight of him made my heart beat fast. I loved it when the girls stared at us, both of us acting very cool about it and yet we knew how there's a raging fire inside us. When we were alone, all we'd do for the first five minutes was smile and stare at each other while we held hands. Everyday he would write on my notebook his "quote of the day" - C, what have you done to me? or I'm crazy about you. or Were you thinking of me last night? That's probably why I couldn't sleep.

There was a dance at the college and he picked me up from home. For days, I imagined us dancing and I was in a quandry whether I'd do the "discotheque" style for slow dance (both arms around his neck) or not. I wore a cotton sheath dress with purple crocus prints and white puff sleeves that my mother sewed by hand because she could no longer use the sewing machine.

We took a taxi to Dewey Boulevard and walked hand in hand along the boardwalk. At a point where there were only a few couples walking by, we stopped. He put my arms around his waist and holding the back of my head with one hand, my chin with the other, he kissed me. My knees felt like noodles. When writers wrote that you see stars in your first kiss, it was true. Well, because it happened that it was a clear, moonless night that night and all you can see above were stars.

Benjamin of course wasn't my first kiss. The year before I met him, I was dating my first boyfriend, Bob, and he gave me my first kiss. In that first kiss, I anticipated the "sweetness" I've so often read about first kisses and I was so disappointed that there was no sweetness at all. I was literally looking for the sweetness that was never there. Several years after that, an older friend, Tammy, told me that it was the intensity of the emotion that determines the degree of a relationship. She said that my first love was actually Benjamin even though my first boyfriend was Bob.

Benjamin and I sat on a concrete bench, staring at the stars, enjoying the early evening breeze, listening to the waves of Manila Bay as they hit the rocks at the breakwater, talking about the news, our classes and our educational plans. At eight, we decided we should show up at the dance.

We went straight for the dance floor. I couldn't remember what song was playing because Benjamin was singing "The Way You Look Tonight" while we danced under the stars in the school quadrangle. He did so just loud enough so I could hear him. While we were lost so deep in our la-la land, another couple bumped into us. Intentionally.

It was Danny and Mila. Danny asked to make a switch. It was my first and last dance with Benjamin because from then on, we got passed on to other partners. We only had a few men in our group of friends so I got off the dance floor while Benjamin did the "obligatory" dance with the girls. But the whole time he was dancing with and talking to them, he was staring at me and I was watching him. At the first opportunity, he grabbed my hand and we left the school dance.

the cover

Neither Benjamin nor I formally told our friends that we were dating. We went about our normal ways. At least for a few days. Then one afternoon, E.S. confronted me.

"Are you Ben's steady?" she asked.

I sat alone in a vacant classroom, going over my Accounting assignments. I looked up from reading my notes, wrinkled my nose, and asked back, "Why do you ask me this?"

"Gloria told me she saw you together Tuesday night. Ben missed their subject, and when everyone one else were leaving, the two of your were just coming in."

"Gloria is a very malicious person." And had been very vocal about having a crush on Benjamin. I'd seen her throw herself onto Benjamin, always clinging to his arms, to everyone's annoyance.

"And Ben is always talking to you, and he's always walking you to the jeepney station."

"And Ben is always talking to you and the rest of the group, and he's always eating with you, and going out with you to drink. Does that make you his steady?" I shot back at E.S. with an even voice, then I went back to my notes.

"I thought we are friends," E.S. said, shaking her head, looking hurt.

"We are. But why does it matter so much that Ben and I are going steady, as you say. We are all friends in this group. However, my personal life and Ben's personal life, and your personal life, and Danny's personal life, are none of our business."

E.S. leaned on the back of the chair in front of me. "So, if we are friends, tell me, and I won't ask again: are you and Ben?"

I closed my notes and gave a sigh of exasperation. I felt clammy. To me, suddenly, things had become complicated. Before all this, the group was trying to match Benjamin with Debbie, who had a steady boyfriend in the first place. Lately, Debbie seemed to be into Benjamin. And from the group's conversation, it's only a matter of time and Debbie will give in. Benjamin had told me he was just playing along with the group, but no, he was not interested in Debbie. He got in with the group because of me. But Danny who had been with the group well before he did, had a big crush on me and asked Benjamin to be his "bridge". I was only in this group because of my brother Erick. Then my friend Mila got in with the group because we were always together, which was a blessing for her because Danny was her type.

"Are you and Ben?" she asked again.

I leaned back on my chair, lifted my feet onto another, cupped my forehead with one hand, and smiled at her as I shook my head.

Just then, Benjamin appeared. "How come you're here, girls? They're looking for you downstairs."

E.S. grinned. "Are you two...?" she pointed an index finger back and forth at me and Benjamin.

Benjamin gave her a hearty chuckle. "What is this, a third degree?" E.S. laughed.

Benjamin opened his notebook and handed it to me before sitting down. "Can you read this and tell me if it's good enough?" Then he turned to E.S. "I did my assignment at lunchtime. I didn't even know we had one until Debbie called me at the store."

I saw the words C, I love you at the bottom of the page. I felt the blood rushing in my face. As I read his assignment, Benjamin stretched his arms which gave him an excuse to leave one arm resting on the back of my chair. "I'm hungry, let's go to the canteen."

E.S. made a move towards the door, "Okay, I give up!"

Benjamin stood up and followed. "What do you want to eat?" he asked me. I ignored him.

A few minutes after they had left, Mila came. "Danny sent me here to speak to you."

"About what?" I asked.

"The mystery girl they're talking about, I know who she is," Mila said in a low voice.

"Ah, so there is a mystery girl!"

"Yes, but Danny said that's you. Ben doesn't know how Erick would react when he finds out about you and Ben, so for now, he and Danny are tricking the group. I think Ben and Danny are going for a drink with Erick later on and Ben will tell him about the two of you." She paused, then, "Do you think your brother would disappove? Ben is wary he might think he just used him."

"But they were already friends before I met Benjamin." I said.

Ben had come back, a bottle of Coke in one hand and a sandwich in the other, and two straws.

"I told them," he said as he sat on the chair beside me.

"Huh?"

"I told them about us, but I said to keep it quiet until I talk to Erick tonight. Danny and I are having drinks with him." He waited for me to say something. I knew my face was all red. "Is that okay?" he asked when I didn't say anything, then caressed my hair. "I just want everyone to know how lucky I am."

I circled the C, I love you written on the page of his notes. He took a pen and drew a heart around the circle.

running in the heavy downpour

First there were just a few stray droplets, and then more. When Benjamin and I decided to walk back to the jeepney stop, which was a good fifteen-minute walk, it had started to rain quite heavily. He bought a newspaper to cover our heads because I refused to take his shirt. While others found the heavy downpour as an excuse to stay in the darker, covered part of the park, the two of us merrily ran towards Taft Avenue to get a ride. We were lucky an almost empty jeepney came by as we reached the stop. We were laughing our hearts out, partially wet and cold, as we headed back to the college.

When we reached the college, it was almost nine-thirty, the end of the last evening class, and a number of students had already started the short walk to the bus stop. Our usual group of friends were gathered in the middle of the quadrangle and we could hear them asking each other if they had seen either Benjamin or me. No one seemed to notice that we arrived together when all the students were already leaving. We were like salmon fishes going against the current.

Ben walked straight to where our friends were waiting. I veered to the right of the building administration and circled the group of men huddled around a Harley Davidson before joining our friends. At the same time, Mila and Danny appeared together.

"Hmmmm, something's strange," commented E.S.

She sized up Mila and Danny. I'm not sure if E.S. noticed the two of them holding hands. Danny leaned towards me and whispered, "Is everything good?"

I played coy. "What do you mean?" I asked in a low voice. Mila giggled and slapped my arm lightly.

The girls in our group were, as usual, huddled around Benjamin whose face seemed frozen with that knowing grin. He intermittently glanced and winked at me. Because of the earlier downpour, the group decided to disperse early to go home. When I announced my leave, one of the girls asked if I was walking alone. I said yes. Benjamin quickly stepped beside me, taking my books and said, "I'll walk her to the jeepney stop," then took my elbow and we walked together out of the school's gate.

We were halfway up the street when we heard my brother's voice.

"Where are you guys going?" he asked.

"Oh! Hi, Erick," Benjamin said. "I was going to walk her down to the jeepney station." I continued walking and Benjamin and Erick fell behind two steps as they chatted.

When we reached the station, Erick patted Benjamin's back and told him, "Okay, pare, thank you." And he waved Benjamin goodbye. I looked at Benjamin and gave him a shy smile, flipped back my hair and said goodbye. The grin in his face was still there.

On the ride home, Erick asked if I knew the girl Benjamin was secretly chasing. "No, I don't know."

"You're always talking to him and he never told you anything?"

"We don't talk about those things. We talk about the news, and assignments." After a short pause, I asked Erick, "How about you, what the heck do you talk about when you're together?"

"He's mentioned about liking a girl, but he wouldn't tell anyone her name. He thinks she's not interested in him, though."

"Ah," I said. "Who in the whole college does not have a crush on Benjamin?"

"Apparently you and another one," my brother said.

He was right, I didn't have a crush on Benjamin. But I liked talking to him, because he talked with sense, he could carry a conversation, he could argue and best of all, he could speak to me in English.

We were quiet the rest of the ride. Then it left me thinking, Was I that girl or was there another girl?

a walk in the park

Manila Bay was still red with the sunset's residue when Benjamin and I reached the park. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest, as we walked around. There was the fear of getting spotted by a neighbour and my parents would find out that instead of being in school, I was actually gallivanting with a boyfriend. There was also the excitement of being "the girl" of the best looking and smart guy in the school. And then of course the sudden realization that I was in love with Benjamin.

I talked to him everyday, didn't give any meaning to the way he smiled at me, or talked to me, or looked at me. He was my brother's friend, my friends' friend. And I didn't even know he was courting me for Danny. Was Danny crazy to have to ask Benjamin to act as his "bridge" without him thinking I might fall for this man instead?

"All the men are looking at us," he whispered. He placed his arm around my shoulders as he brought his face closer to my ear.

I looked around and I saw that all the women were staring at us.

"Why is that?" I asked him. I dared not turn my face to look at him. I knew a kiss would be inevitable if I did.

"You don't know why?" His breath was warm in my ear and it tickled. When I felt him straighten up, that was the only time I dared look at his face.

Only then I noticed that he was a lot taller than I thought he was, because despite the two-inch high heeled shoes I had on, I still had to stretch my neck to look up at him. Only then I noticed that the skin of his face was so smooth I wished mine was, too. Only then I noticed that his eyes sparkled even in the dark.

I felt the light touch of his right hand on my lower back. He was smiling at me, while the fingers of his left hand very carefully brushed my hair away from my face.

"Those men are envious, because I have a pretty girlfriend," he said, then pulled my face toward his chest. I felt him kiss the top of my head.

Oh, my God! My God, if he kisses me I will melt. Please don't let me melt! I seriously thought I would melt, and yet at the same time I fervently hoped he would kiss me.

Benjamin (again)

"Come!" he said, motioned with a non-chalant move of his hand for me to come towards him, while he continued to walk. I took several giant steps before I could reach him and by the time I did, his one foot was outside the door of the main gate.

"Wait!" I said. "Where are we going?" I felt my face flushed. How dare this man make me follow him.

But he smiled and said in a low voice, "Let's leave Mila and Danny. I think something's bound to happen tonight."

"But my books are with her," I said and looked back as the security guard closed the metal door of the college's gate. I stopped and hesitated in the middle of the street. But Benjamin continued walking, and I followed him until we reached the jeepney stop. He hailed one going north to Escolta. My face was full of questions, and he knew what those questions were. But his gentle touch at my elbow, as he nudged me to board the jeepney, seemed to calm me and I got inside. He handed the driver some coins.

We got off at Brown Derby on Taft Avenue.

"Have you been here before? The food here is good, right?"

"No, I've never been here before," I replied.

We sat at a table on the quietest corner of the restaurant. Immediately, a uniformed waitress came with a small menu. He ordered a hamburger and Pepsi. I scoffed at him, playfully, though. I ordered a foot long hotdog and Coke.

"I told Danny that bridges sometimes give way to the river's waters, especially when the current is strong," he said, his eyes sparkled in the restaurant lights, the smile in his lips reveal some kind of giddiness. I cocked my head, not understanding what he meant.

Danny, his friend, was fervently wooing me. Danny had asked Benjamin to be his "bridge", meaning he, Benjamin, would woo me for him, Danny. Benjamin had been talking to me almost everyday, telling me how Danny felt. Mila, my friend, however, had this huge crush on Danny. I had told Danny in no uncertain terms that he is not my type. I wasn't particularly into anyone at the time, not even Benjamin.

"So, when you had told Danny for certain it's a no, I told Danny I will have to cross the bridge I built."

"Me?" I asked, pointing at myself as I realized what Benjamin was trying to say.

"Yes," he said.

The number one song of the week was being played on the jukebox: Bobby Goldsboro's version of the song "And I Love You So".

He took my hand and placed it on his chest. "I would have died if you had liked Danny."

I ate my foot-long hotdog with a grin on my face. I had scored the hottest boy in college.

Benjamin

I remember the night he sang "My Foolish Heart".

I was in the hallway, outside my classroom, looking down at my friend Mila as she spoke to her boyfriend. My seven o'clock class got cancelled and I was waiting for my eight o'clock Sociology. There was no one else in the hallway. Only one class was being conducted and it was in the farthest room down the hall. I was looking at the full moon when suddenly he appeared beside me. We exchanged the usual pleasantries. I noticed he wore a dark teal poloshirt, the fabric hugging his lithe body, and a pair of white pants that flared at the bottom, the back almost touching the ground but not quite, and only the tips of his white boots were showing. He smelled of musk, very faint, but distinctive.

His eyes sparkled in the moonlight. Or maybe it was that the moon sparkled in his eyes. We were making small talk and sometimes his elbow would brush into mine. Some of the girls looked up at us, and I could see in their faces the envy. For Ben was one of the good-looking men in our small community college. It felt good to be seen side by side with a well-dressed, good looking man.

Suddenly, in the brief pause between our small talks, he blurted out: "The night is like a lovely tune, beware my foolish heart; How white the ever constant moon, take care my foolish heart..."

I turned to look at him. I was flabbergasted because he had such beautiful voice. He was leaning on the ledge, facing me, with that sparkle in his eyes and a naughty smile.

"My goodness," I said, obviously pleasantly surprised, "you have a beautiful voice. You should be a balladeer!"

Ben, of course, worked at the department store at the public market, in the fabric section. This was why he could afford those nice clothes because he got them at employee-discounted prices.

He stopped briefly, "I sing in the church choir."

"Well," I said, "this choir of yours must be very good! Too bad I don't go to church."

He smiled, leaned his chest on the ledge, looked at the moon, then at me, then at the moon again.

"This time it isn't fascination..."

I raved some more about his beautiful voice and beautiful singing. Somehow I felt special because it felt like he was singing TO ME. But at the time I thought he was just passing time by chatting me up. I didn't have any inkling that he was starting to court me by that singing.

"It's love, this time it's love, my foolish heart."

PROMPT - sunset

The kitchen window of our first house, the one that my father built on a piece of land by the public cemetery, faced west. I remember the orange light casting a long rectangular reflection on our floor. I would sit on the floor, right in the middle of that rectangular reflection and would move as the reflection moved until it disappeared. Sometimes, our backdoor would be open and long shadows of crosses from the tombs in the cemetery were cast on the floor.

I liked to watch the sun as it set and disappear beyond the distant crosses and the mango trees. My mother used to tell me not to look at the sun for it will damage my eyes. But the setting sun was different. It had a soft quality about it, almost candy-like. I used to imagine that the orange-coloured clouds were cotton candies and the fiery setting sun a large lollipop.

Ihor appreciated my love of the sunset. The first time we went out of town, we went to Laoag, La Union, about four hours drive north-west of Manila. The place was then known (probably still is) as a resort town, with long stretches of pristine beaches facing the South China sea. We swam in the sea the whole day and had a late lunch. We explored the town afterwards, taking pictures of old Spanish houses and churches. While he napped in the late afternoon, I went to walk on the beach to watch the sun setting on the sea. I found a rocky place at the far end of the beach about a mile from the hotel. I picked up little shells and threw tiny pebbles on the rushing waves. The tide was fast coming inland. I sat on a flat rock and watched as crabs scurried as the sea water rushed in. On that rock I had a magnificent view of the horizon, the sun squarely in the middle of the wide expanse as it slowly turned from bright orange then fiery red and until it disappeared.

It was dark when I reached the hotel premises. Ihor wondered where I was. Later I learned someone told him I walked "that" way towards the rocks. When he saw me, without him saying anything, he took my hand and we walked on the shore together until it was so dark we couldn't see anything anymore, just the distant flickering of lamps on the houses nearby, and the sound of the waves that sometimes caressed our bare feet.

"What is it about the sunset that you have to watch it?" he asked.