life goes on

I kept Benjamin's letter for a long time. At one point, I had memorized its contents. In later years, I would read it back whenever a relationship went wrong. His letter served as my initiation to the realities of life. As a young person, I was told, I had read and I believed that love trascends all differences, that love conquers all. Benjamin's letter proved it was an ideal, something that is perceived only in the mind, that it could be attained but at an enormous price. In later years, Benjamin's letter served as a reminder to me that nothing good lasted forever. It kept me grounded whenever a new relationship started.

But Benjamin became my measuring stick. He was a complete gentleman. Whenever he walked me to the jeepney station, he walked on the outside part of the sidewalk, opened the door and let me enter or leave first, always holding on to my elbow. He was always ready to protect me. I had never seen him get angry. He was not a confrontational person. He was always ready to help out. Best of all, he was always smiling.

A year later, Danny heard that Benjamin had an accident. He made every effort so I could visit him. I didn't want to upset his family with my visit so Danny took E.S. along with us. We were to pretend we were all just his friends.

I saw the sparkle in his eyes when he saw me. I kept my best "just friend" look, but seeing his injuries, I broke down. Throughout the visit, I sat down opposite him unable to speak, unable to even touch him. When we were leaving, however, he did manage to come near me and squeezed my hand, whispered for me to not worry about him and that he was okay.

"Thank you for the poem," he said.

In May of that year, I wrote a poem for his birthday which got published in a magazine. He read the magazine, saw the poem, titled "Many Happy Returns of the Day, to my Benjamin". Before I could say anything to him, E.S. pulled me out of the house; she said Benjamin's brother and mother were staring.

While waiting for our ride back to the school, Danny said, "They knew you, Cynthia."

"I don't know why you couldn't restrain yourself from crying. Of course, his family knows you are the Catholic girlfriend!" said E.S.


I kept a picture of Benjamin in my wallet. It bore no writing at the back. Three years later, I got involved with a young engineer in my office. Whenever we would go to the canteen for a meal, Jaime always commented on the picture which he assumed was my father's. I never felt the need to correct him so that when one day, he heard one of the girls asking me about the picture, Jaime got so angry, he forced me to discard it. I refused. It was our first fight. In the end because I hated any more arguments, I gave in.

It was ironic then that when I was breaking up with Jaime two years later, it was Benjamin who made me make up my mind to do so. Jaime and I were having an argument while walking, when suddenly, Benjamin turned up. He didn't see me right away, but his name just came out of my mouth. When he saw me, walking with Jaime, Jaime trying to pull me away, I saw the hurt in Benjamin's eyes. I kept looking back to Jaime's disgust. Right then and there, I told Jaime we were through.

When I looked again in Benjamin's direction, he was gone.

the letter

When the next semester came, to my disappointment, Benjamin did not register. The stress of school and work had gotten to him. But he came to see me sometimes in school, and sometimes at home.

One day, he forgot to hand me back my notebook when I got on the jeepney to go home. He picked me up the next day, we had a snack of pizza at the nearby market/mall and returned my notebook. When we got to the college, he said he wrote a letter in my notebook. He said that I should read it. He said he will be away for a few days, that I won't be able to speak to him, to see him. But he wanted me to read his letter.

The letter fit in one whole page. In his neat handwriting, tiny letters with loopy capitals, he wrote how much he loved me and that he was sure I was the one. The "however" part came in the middle of the page. He belonged to another religion, which he and his family practiced devoutly. He was the first to have been borne to this religion, after his family converted from Catholicism. He understood that my parents, especially my mother, was a devout Roman Catholic. He wanted to marry me, but he said we might have a problem because his religion forbade anyone to marry outside of that religion. Doing so meant excommunication, for life. He would not risk that.

For days, I walked around light headed and unable to sleep and eat. At some point, my stomach felt so bad I threw up until nothing came out. So this was how it was to be in love. And die at the same time. Everytime I read his letter, I had expected the contents to change; that I read it wrong the first hundred times. My young mind made a resolve, religion would not be a problem. I actually made up my mind we would marry civilly, and then I could adopt his religion, whatever it was. I assured myself my mother would understand.

I remembered the few times Benjamin and I talked about having a family. For God's sakes, we actually had names for our children: Pag-ibig (Love), Pag-asa (Hope), Ligaya (Happiness) for girls, and Benjamin Vincent if we had a boy. That was the one and only time I let myself be guided by my emotions and actually think I would marry and have children. Love has a way of changing one's perspectives. The only part of our dream that I had reservations was the fact that if we marry, I would have to stay home. But I thought, he would understand when the time came, my need for independence. But I would not let the dream be waken by my caprice and my ambitions.

He showed up in school after a week. The gang was ecstatic, but I had started the process of staying away from the group. He found me sitting alone in an empty classroom, doing my accounting homework. I didn't know how to react. First of all, I didn't know whether he was breaking up with me in the letter or simply telling me facts. He noticed that I lost some weight. For the first time, I cried in front of him. When he put his arms around me, the whole world changed.

When you are young, you are guided by your dreams and wishes and your ideals. At 18, I was full of ideals. But actual events could make you want those dreams direly or abandon the ideals entirely.

For the next several weeks, we went about as normal as we could. When I learned which religion he belonged to, I knew we were not meant to be together. But we were in love. I didn't want to give up just yet. The catalyst was when he told my mother his religion and the prospect of us getting married. My mother said in no uncertain terms, she would want us to marry Catholic. After that, I can join his religion if I wanted to. In one of our conversations, I asked him, "Can't we marry before a judge?" He said no, the church elders did not allow that. "And what if we elope?" No can do, he would be excommunicated. This religion only allowed marriage within that religion.

My first heartbreak was just around the corner. I channeled my broken emotions into writing poems and I doubled my reading time. I remember as a child, we had two books at home about stories from different places. I used to "travel" through those books to forget the abject poverty we were in. This time, I turned to reading again to forget and heal my broken heart.

After a few months, on my nineteenth birthday, I came home and my mother handed me a package. Benjamin came by in the middle of the day and brought me a present. It was a green and pink knitted dress. He left a small note, he wanted me to have that beautiful dress to remember him by. He had told his family of our predicament and they adamantly opposed our relationship. The only way to change their mind was for me to convert to their religion, now. He wrote that he had found a job in a far flung place. But he said we weren't breaking up. He loved me too much to let go. But a separation was in order for us to think about our circumstance. In my heart I knew we had reached the end.

visiting

Benjamin tried to endear himself to my parents. One evening, he arrived at my doorstep after supper, looking dapper as always. My father had met him before but had largely ignored him, even when Benjamin tried to engage him in conversation.

When he arrived, my father was playing chess with my young brother, who showed not an ounce of interest and the game ended as quickly as it had started.

"That's an interesting chess set," Benjamin said. The board was hand-made by my father, and the men were leftovers of different discarded sets.

"Do you want to play?" Even I was surprised by my father's invitation. My mother egged Benjamin on who promptly pulled a stool and placed it on the opposite side of the chessboard.

I never played chess and I didn't know the rules of the game, so I went about my chores in the kitchen although I had a good view of the living room. Both men wore serious looks in their faces, the concentration visible in the clenched jaws. Obviously Benjamin knew the game quite well and that posed either an annoyance or a challenge to my father. If Benjamin won, he would in all likelihood be annoyed because he lost; but if Benjamin loses, he'd think my boyfriend is dumb. I was of course rooting for Benjamin.

When Benjamin won the match, to my surprise, my father laughed it off, telling Benjamin, "Were you not supposed to have let me win?"

Benjamin smiled, "Really? Is that the rule? We can have a re-match, if you want." And they both laughed

My father got up and took a bottle of rum from one of the drawers of his work table, asked for two glasses, handed one glass to Benjamin, and poured rum in the glasses. They engaged in discussion of the news, history and traded opinions on a number of issues. The night finished without me talking to Benjamin.


When the semester ended, I saw less of Benjamin. It meant he would have to come and visit me instead of us seeing each other in school. I had no excuse to leave the house so I contented myself waiting for whenever he showed up. One late afternoon, I was upstairs ironing the family's clothes when I saw him arrive, holding a whole package of sliced bread. He looked up and saw me through the window, nodded and smiled. As the good daughter of a rather conservative parent, I waited for my mother to call me to come down. I could hear them talking, sometimes laughing. It was dusk when I finished my ironing chores and I decided to come downstairs. Benjamin had already left.

"Where's Ben?" I asked my mother.

"He left, a while ago."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I was going to, but he said he came to visit me, not you."

I couldn't hide my disappointment and I was almost in tears. I haven't seen or talked to Benjamin for almost a week and he didn't even say "Hi" to me.


The next afternoon, I was playing some records on the turntable after siesta. Actually, it was just one record I played over and over. It was the 45 of Bobby Goldsboro's "And I Love You So".

"That record is going to have holes in it," my mother commented. When the needle started to jump, she said, "See, the needle's gone!"

And I still kept playing the 45.

At four o'clock, I heard a knock on the door. My mother said, "Must be your prince charming. Now you can stop playing that damn record!"

Indeed, it was Benjamin.

"Thank God you came!" my mother said to Benjamin as he kissed her hand. "Cynthia kept playing your theme song and frankly I got sick and tired of it. You have to find a new theme song now." Then she and Benjamin laughed.

"Did you come to see me?" I asked.

"Of course," he replied.

We sat around and talked, mostly about what happened at the store where he worked, and we played the rest of the family's record collection. We cannot hold hands, nor kiss. My mother chat with us for the most part. The few times my mother left the room, he whispered I love you then stared at my face with a slight grin. He wasn't paying attention to the record he was setting up on the turntable and the needle arm dropped on the rubber surface of the spinner. The needle broke. We would have to explain that to my father.

At the Angelus hour, he got ready to leave. We were standing inside the door and my mother had gone to the kitchen when he suddenly bent down and planted a quick kiss on my cheek. I thought my heart skipped a beat.

That night, I didn't wash my face.

at the dance

Lovestruck.

Yes, Benjamin and I were lovestruck. The mere thought of him, his face, his eyes, his smile, always made me feel light-headed. The mere sight of him made my heart beat fast. I loved it when the girls stared at us, both of us acting very cool about it and yet we knew how there's a raging fire inside us. When we were alone, all we'd do for the first five minutes was smile and stare at each other while we held hands. Everyday he would write on my notebook his "quote of the day" - C, what have you done to me? or I'm crazy about you. or Were you thinking of me last night? That's probably why I couldn't sleep.

There was a dance at the college and he picked me up from home. For days, I imagined us dancing and I was in a quandry whether I'd do the "discotheque" style for slow dance (both arms around his neck) or not. I wore a cotton sheath dress with purple crocus prints and white puff sleeves that my mother sewed by hand because she could no longer use the sewing machine.

We took a taxi to Dewey Boulevard and walked hand in hand along the boardwalk. At a point where there were only a few couples walking by, we stopped. He put my arms around his waist and holding the back of my head with one hand, my chin with the other, he kissed me. My knees felt like noodles. When writers wrote that you see stars in your first kiss, it was true. Well, because it happened that it was a clear, moonless night that night and all you can see above were stars.

Benjamin of course wasn't my first kiss. The year before I met him, I was dating my first boyfriend, Bob, and he gave me my first kiss. In that first kiss, I anticipated the "sweetness" I've so often read about first kisses and I was so disappointed that there was no sweetness at all. I was literally looking for the sweetness that was never there. Several years after that, an older friend, Tammy, told me that it was the intensity of the emotion that determines the degree of a relationship. She said that my first love was actually Benjamin even though my first boyfriend was Bob.

Benjamin and I sat on a concrete bench, staring at the stars, enjoying the early evening breeze, listening to the waves of Manila Bay as they hit the rocks at the breakwater, talking about the news, our classes and our educational plans. At eight, we decided we should show up at the dance.

We went straight for the dance floor. I couldn't remember what song was playing because Benjamin was singing "The Way You Look Tonight" while we danced under the stars in the school quadrangle. He did so just loud enough so I could hear him. While we were lost so deep in our la-la land, another couple bumped into us. Intentionally.

It was Danny and Mila. Danny asked to make a switch. It was my first and last dance with Benjamin because from then on, we got passed on to other partners. We only had a few men in our group of friends so I got off the dance floor while Benjamin did the "obligatory" dance with the girls. But the whole time he was dancing with and talking to them, he was staring at me and I was watching him. At the first opportunity, he grabbed my hand and we left the school dance.

the cover

Neither Benjamin nor I formally told our friends that we were dating. We went about our normal ways. At least for a few days. Then one afternoon, E.S. confronted me.

"Are you Ben's steady?" she asked.

I sat alone in a vacant classroom, going over my Accounting assignments. I looked up from reading my notes, wrinkled my nose, and asked back, "Why do you ask me this?"

"Gloria told me she saw you together Tuesday night. Ben missed their subject, and when everyone one else were leaving, the two of your were just coming in."

"Gloria is a very malicious person." And had been very vocal about having a crush on Benjamin. I'd seen her throw herself onto Benjamin, always clinging to his arms, to everyone's annoyance.

"And Ben is always talking to you, and he's always walking you to the jeepney station."

"And Ben is always talking to you and the rest of the group, and he's always eating with you, and going out with you to drink. Does that make you his steady?" I shot back at E.S. with an even voice, then I went back to my notes.

"I thought we are friends," E.S. said, shaking her head, looking hurt.

"We are. But why does it matter so much that Ben and I are going steady, as you say. We are all friends in this group. However, my personal life and Ben's personal life, and your personal life, and Danny's personal life, are none of our business."

E.S. leaned on the back of the chair in front of me. "So, if we are friends, tell me, and I won't ask again: are you and Ben?"

I closed my notes and gave a sigh of exasperation. I felt clammy. To me, suddenly, things had become complicated. Before all this, the group was trying to match Benjamin with Debbie, who had a steady boyfriend in the first place. Lately, Debbie seemed to be into Benjamin. And from the group's conversation, it's only a matter of time and Debbie will give in. Benjamin had told me he was just playing along with the group, but no, he was not interested in Debbie. He got in with the group because of me. But Danny who had been with the group well before he did, had a big crush on me and asked Benjamin to be his "bridge". I was only in this group because of my brother Erick. Then my friend Mila got in with the group because we were always together, which was a blessing for her because Danny was her type.

"Are you and Ben?" she asked again.

I leaned back on my chair, lifted my feet onto another, cupped my forehead with one hand, and smiled at her as I shook my head.

Just then, Benjamin appeared. "How come you're here, girls? They're looking for you downstairs."

E.S. grinned. "Are you two...?" she pointed an index finger back and forth at me and Benjamin.

Benjamin gave her a hearty chuckle. "What is this, a third degree?" E.S. laughed.

Benjamin opened his notebook and handed it to me before sitting down. "Can you read this and tell me if it's good enough?" Then he turned to E.S. "I did my assignment at lunchtime. I didn't even know we had one until Debbie called me at the store."

I saw the words C, I love you at the bottom of the page. I felt the blood rushing in my face. As I read his assignment, Benjamin stretched his arms which gave him an excuse to leave one arm resting on the back of my chair. "I'm hungry, let's go to the canteen."

E.S. made a move towards the door, "Okay, I give up!"

Benjamin stood up and followed. "What do you want to eat?" he asked me. I ignored him.

A few minutes after they had left, Mila came. "Danny sent me here to speak to you."

"About what?" I asked.

"The mystery girl they're talking about, I know who she is," Mila said in a low voice.

"Ah, so there is a mystery girl!"

"Yes, but Danny said that's you. Ben doesn't know how Erick would react when he finds out about you and Ben, so for now, he and Danny are tricking the group. I think Ben and Danny are going for a drink with Erick later on and Ben will tell him about the two of you." She paused, then, "Do you think your brother would disappove? Ben is wary he might think he just used him."

"But they were already friends before I met Benjamin." I said.

Ben had come back, a bottle of Coke in one hand and a sandwich in the other, and two straws.

"I told them," he said as he sat on the chair beside me.

"Huh?"

"I told them about us, but I said to keep it quiet until I talk to Erick tonight. Danny and I are having drinks with him." He waited for me to say something. I knew my face was all red. "Is that okay?" he asked when I didn't say anything, then caressed my hair. "I just want everyone to know how lucky I am."

I circled the C, I love you written on the page of his notes. He took a pen and drew a heart around the circle.

running in the heavy downpour

First there were just a few stray droplets, and then more. When Benjamin and I decided to walk back to the jeepney stop, which was a good fifteen-minute walk, it had started to rain quite heavily. He bought a newspaper to cover our heads because I refused to take his shirt. While others found the heavy downpour as an excuse to stay in the darker, covered part of the park, the two of us merrily ran towards Taft Avenue to get a ride. We were lucky an almost empty jeepney came by as we reached the stop. We were laughing our hearts out, partially wet and cold, as we headed back to the college.

When we reached the college, it was almost nine-thirty, the end of the last evening class, and a number of students had already started the short walk to the bus stop. Our usual group of friends were gathered in the middle of the quadrangle and we could hear them asking each other if they had seen either Benjamin or me. No one seemed to notice that we arrived together when all the students were already leaving. We were like salmon fishes going against the current.

Ben walked straight to where our friends were waiting. I veered to the right of the building administration and circled the group of men huddled around a Harley Davidson before joining our friends. At the same time, Mila and Danny appeared together.

"Hmmmm, something's strange," commented E.S.

She sized up Mila and Danny. I'm not sure if E.S. noticed the two of them holding hands. Danny leaned towards me and whispered, "Is everything good?"

I played coy. "What do you mean?" I asked in a low voice. Mila giggled and slapped my arm lightly.

The girls in our group were, as usual, huddled around Benjamin whose face seemed frozen with that knowing grin. He intermittently glanced and winked at me. Because of the earlier downpour, the group decided to disperse early to go home. When I announced my leave, one of the girls asked if I was walking alone. I said yes. Benjamin quickly stepped beside me, taking my books and said, "I'll walk her to the jeepney stop," then took my elbow and we walked together out of the school's gate.

We were halfway up the street when we heard my brother's voice.

"Where are you guys going?" he asked.

"Oh! Hi, Erick," Benjamin said. "I was going to walk her down to the jeepney station." I continued walking and Benjamin and Erick fell behind two steps as they chatted.

When we reached the station, Erick patted Benjamin's back and told him, "Okay, pare, thank you." And he waved Benjamin goodbye. I looked at Benjamin and gave him a shy smile, flipped back my hair and said goodbye. The grin in his face was still there.

On the ride home, Erick asked if I knew the girl Benjamin was secretly chasing. "No, I don't know."

"You're always talking to him and he never told you anything?"

"We don't talk about those things. We talk about the news, and assignments." After a short pause, I asked Erick, "How about you, what the heck do you talk about when you're together?"

"He's mentioned about liking a girl, but he wouldn't tell anyone her name. He thinks she's not interested in him, though."

"Ah," I said. "Who in the whole college does not have a crush on Benjamin?"

"Apparently you and another one," my brother said.

He was right, I didn't have a crush on Benjamin. But I liked talking to him, because he talked with sense, he could carry a conversation, he could argue and best of all, he could speak to me in English.

We were quiet the rest of the ride. Then it left me thinking, Was I that girl or was there another girl?

a walk in the park

Manila Bay was still red with the sunset's residue when Benjamin and I reached the park. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest, as we walked around. There was the fear of getting spotted by a neighbour and my parents would find out that instead of being in school, I was actually gallivanting with a boyfriend. There was also the excitement of being "the girl" of the best looking and smart guy in the school. And then of course the sudden realization that I was in love with Benjamin.

I talked to him everyday, didn't give any meaning to the way he smiled at me, or talked to me, or looked at me. He was my brother's friend, my friends' friend. And I didn't even know he was courting me for Danny. Was Danny crazy to have to ask Benjamin to act as his "bridge" without him thinking I might fall for this man instead?

"All the men are looking at us," he whispered. He placed his arm around my shoulders as he brought his face closer to my ear.

I looked around and I saw that all the women were staring at us.

"Why is that?" I asked him. I dared not turn my face to look at him. I knew a kiss would be inevitable if I did.

"You don't know why?" His breath was warm in my ear and it tickled. When I felt him straighten up, that was the only time I dared look at his face.

Only then I noticed that he was a lot taller than I thought he was, because despite the two-inch high heeled shoes I had on, I still had to stretch my neck to look up at him. Only then I noticed that the skin of his face was so smooth I wished mine was, too. Only then I noticed that his eyes sparkled even in the dark.

I felt the light touch of his right hand on my lower back. He was smiling at me, while the fingers of his left hand very carefully brushed my hair away from my face.

"Those men are envious, because I have a pretty girlfriend," he said, then pulled my face toward his chest. I felt him kiss the top of my head.

Oh, my God! My God, if he kisses me I will melt. Please don't let me melt! I seriously thought I would melt, and yet at the same time I fervently hoped he would kiss me.