i always run away

I went to Europe that summer. No matter that I only had a visitor's visa, I worked at odd jobs, things I wasn't trained for or experienced in. In Luxembourg, I waitressed at a restaurant and attracted the American tourists who were glad to see someone who spoke their English. In Bruxelles, I typed manuscripts for a writer-translator. In Paris, I did retail work at a lace shoppe and tutored a couple of kids to speak English.

Benjamin got a job in Saudi Arabia. He had asked his sister to send me his address. I wrote him a rather casual letter, but he never replied. A year later, while in Bournemouth, England, I learned he had gone back home and did not renew his contract.

When my visa for Canada came, I wrote to him one more time but my letter came back. I've established my life in Toronto, got into a relationship, took another diploma course to add to my ever expanding resume and immersed myself in work, generally. Once in a while, I had thought of Benjamin, wondered how he had made out after coming back from Saudi Arabia. After ten years, I decided to write to him. It was his youngest sister who wrote to me a few months after I had sent my letter. Benjamin and his family were fine. With the money he earned in Saudi Arabia, he bought a property and built a house for his mother and his family. However, his mother had died, as well as an older sister.

A few weeks after I received his sister's letter, I also received a letter from Benjamin. He thanked me for my birthday greetings and sent his greetings, too, although he admitted that with the many years that had passed, he had actually forgotten my exact birthday. Knowing he is fine, I kept his letter but did not reply. I kept in touch with his sister, though.


In the winter of 1999, after fifteen years, I decided it's time to pay the old country a visit. His sister met me at the airport. I tried so hard to not mention anything about Benjamin even though deep inside I wanted to. From what his sister told me, Diana, after all these years, was still jealous of me, and that Benjamin, in deference to her, had kept all the letters secret.

It was a surprise when one evening, Benjamin came over to our old family house where I had been interviewing my father for a story. He had not changed, except for a few lines under the eyes, a few white hairs on his temple, he still looked almost the same as when we last met more than 20 years before. The sparkle in his eyes, the mischievous smile, the same lithe body, and he could still make my heart beat in a funny way.

My cousin Regine was also visiting. We were sitting around the dining table and Benjamin and I couldn't help but stare at each other. Regine was saying something. I could hear her, but couldn't understand what she was saying. Suddenly, she stood up.

"Hey, guys, you better talk this out. You still have unresolved issues." That was the last thing she said before she left the dining room and went to the kitchen.

When we were alone, I asked Benjamin, "What are our unresolved issues?"

We both laughed. Giggled was more like it. My sister, Charlotte, came in. "You two are acting like you were twenty-five years ago." She was quite amused by the way she grinned. "Exactly the same way. Ah, true love."

"Will you stop it?" I said, but I was still laughing.

After two hours, Benjamin signified his intention to leave. I walked him down to the compound's gate. It was when I noticed that we were holding hands. That night, the air was still and humid and there was no moon, but his eyes still sparkled from the faint light coming from the neighbor's windows. As he rubbed the small of my back, I cupped his face in my hands and gave him a peck on his lips.

"Oh, my God, Cynthia," and I felt his grip on my shoulders. He bent down so that our foreheads touched for a long while. I felt the warmth of his breath. I thought I heard his heart beat. Or maybe it was my own.

"I love you, Cyn," he whispered. "I have not stopped loving you."

"Please don't stop loving me," I said. I patted his cheek lightly and freed myself from our embrace. I unlatched and opened the heavy metal gate. He went out and all I can remember is the sad smile on his face and the happy sparkle in his eyes.

fate, fickle-minded fate

It had been two years and Lee still had not divorced Rosaire but we continued to live together. My affair with Benjamin fizzled on its own, mostly because I had gone back to school to study law. My quest for more education made him so insecure, and school work left me with no time for anything else. Somewhere I read that "absence makes the heart grow fonder". But with the length of time that we haven't seen each other, things switched to "out of sight, out of mind".

And Lee, he immersed himself in work and travelled more frequently. The demands of school gradually made it impossible for me to accompany him on his travels. In my articling year, we found it easier to live apart and slowly we saw less and less of each other. Eventually, our affair tapered off, too.

But fate wasn't finished yet with Benjamin and me. A chance meeting was all it took and the ebbing embers suddenly got re-ignited.


Odette and I had spent more than three hours at Rustan's native crafts department to find a gift for one of our departing expatriates. Something distinctively Filipino. At the same time elegant enough to fit in a European home. I had been avoiding coming to this store, but Odette insisted on buying "just the best". The item we chose was a set of wooden bowls. The saleslady suggested we might want to have them engraved and proceeded to call the person in charge of engraving.

"Is that Ben Suarez?" I asked.

"Why, yes, ma'am," she replied. "Do you know him?"

"He's a friend."

"Well," Odette said, "does that mean we might get a big discount?"

And there he was, looking dapper, as always. Smiling like he was the happiest person on earth with that special sparkle in his eyes. The eyes that widened when he recognized me.

"C!" he exclaimed, ignoring the saleslady as she explained what we wanted to have done with the wooden bowls. "Two years! What happened to you?"

"Has it been two years?" I asked. "Time flies, doesn't it?"

"Aherm!" Odette said. "I hate to break some news to you two, but there are other people around you."

"Ben, this is Odette, my friend and co-worker. Odette, this is Ben." They shook hands and Odette picked up from where the saleslady stopped with her explanation about the wooden bowls. But Benjamin wasn't listening.

"Why did you stop calling me? Every time I called your office, your secretary always told me you weren't in, so I gave up."

"There you go," I said, "you gave up."

He winked at me.

"How's Lee?" he asked as he picked up one of the bowls in the set and examined it.

"He's fine."

"Who's Lee?" Odette interjected. I glanced at her. I had never told Odette about Lee except that I had previously lived in with an American boyfriend.

"The American," I said. "Ben, how much would it cost us to engrave two-letter initials on these bowls?" I had to take the initiative to get the conversation to the matter at hand.

Benjamin looked at the price tag on the box, tapped the bowls, all five pieces of them, and without hesitation, replied, "It's free."

Odette gasped. In delight.

"There's a catch, 'though," he said laughing.

Odette laughed, too. "Whatever, we take the catch, or shall I say, Cynne takes the catch." She poked my back, discreetly.


The catch was we will take Benjamin to dinner. At the last minute, Odette bailed out.

"Plus," she said, "All he really wants to be with is you."


Sakura, the Japanese restaurant where we ended up going that night, boasted having the best tempura meal in the city. Lots of people, mostly expatriates and American tourists. For twenty pesos that Benjamin slipped into the waiter's shirt pocket, we ended up sitting at a quiet corner table.

"You were hiding from me," he started as soon as the waiter had left after taking our orders. "You avoided me."

"I didn't hide from you nor did I avoid you. I got busy."

"For two years?"

"Let's face it, Ben. You weren't exactly a free man, and I had a commitment with Lee."

"You could at least have said goodbye."

"Goodbye is so final. I didn't want any goodbye's. Besides, I felt guilty. I don't want to be a home wrecker."

an affair within an affair

At some point we all wake up from a dream, whether it's good or bad. Guilt has a way of doing that to you. It eats you up, consumes you. When there is still some senses left in you, you give in to that guilt and try to correct the wrong you know you are doing.

One morning I woke up to the fact that no matter how much in love Benjamin and I were, he was still married and had a family and they were his priority. He went back home everyday no matter what it was we did. That was where he belonged. I hated thinking that I was just a "side trip" but the truth boiled down to that fact. I could have him, easily - take him away from Diana and their children. But would I want to be the one to have to wreck little Daniela's heart? I didn't really care about Diana; technically she "stole" Benjamin from me. But my conscience told me Daniela and her two little brothers would bear the hurt if I were to assert myself. No, I told myself I couldn't do that.

How could I move forward if I was still living in the past? It took me long and hard to realize that I belonged to Benjamin's past and he belonged in mine.


Lee had reserved a table at the Palace dining room of the Shang-ri La Hotel in Singapore. We had flown earlier in the morning and he had asked me to find a suitable dress for dinner. I chose a knee-length sheath red haltered dress and accessorized it with a Jackie Kennedy pearl necklace and tiny pearl stud earrings, bare arms and white high heels. As the maitre'd ushered me to our table where Lee sat waiting, two gentleman, sitting in separate tables, stood up and vowed as I passed. Another one sitting at the bar doffed his hat.

"I saw that," Lee whispered with an amused grin as the maitre'd held the chair for me.

"And I saw YOU!" I teased him. "You were like a peacock strutting your stuff."

"I had to make a claim right away!" he laughed. "You are lovely by the way. That's probably why the jerks there couldn't help but admire you."

"I thought we had company, clients perhaps?" I said when we were alone.

"Just us," he said quietly.

Something was up, I sensed it. Expensive trip, expensive hotel, expensive dinner. He's dumping me, I thought. That's when I realized I had been playing fire for too long, that I was actually having two affairs at the same time, with two wonderful men. Was it really possible that one could be in love with two people at the same time? How would I feel about Benjamin if Lee and I were through? Or vice versa?

We ordered our favourite wine, and our appetizer. When he lifted his wine glass, I lifted mine and clinked his glass.

"Spill it, babe," I said with a wry smile. I was pretty sure he was dumping me.

I was wrong. And I was shocked.

"Let's get married," he said and it felt like a bomb.

We would go to the States and he would file a divorce against his wife. Then we would marry. He wanted to make an honest woman out of me. He wanted us to have a life. He wanted to have me exclusively.

"What do you mean exclusively?" I said, pretending I was hurt and insulted.

"I mean just 'us'. You and me." No more Rosaire or the thought of her standing between us. I would bear his name. And his child. If I wanted to have his child.

Only then did I notice the little black velvet box on top of my plate setting. Inside, there was a solitaire ring, a white gold band with very fine feligree etchings and a solitary diamond. He took the ring from the box, took my hand and slipped the ring in my finger.

"Marry me, Cynthia," he said softly.

I stared at the ring in my finger. It was the simplest piece of jewelry that Lee had ever given me in our five years of living together. It was also the most beautiful.

"Why must we fix something that is not broken? Haven't I proved myself to you in all these five years?" I asked. He tightened his grip on my hands. "Why don't we do this step by step, the first of which is for you to divorce Rosaire first, then let's take it from there."

"Was that a 'no'?" I saw the disappointment in his eyes.

"It's not a 'no'. But I will say 'yes' when you are already free to take my yes."

"the love you give and the love you make"

Benjamin's mother sat on a chair in the living room. I walked over to her and kissed her hand. She smiled and asked me to sit down.

"Thank you for helping Ben and his family." Her smile was sincere, her eyes had the same twinkle in Benjamin's, only hers betray the years of hardship of bringing together a family of seven children all by herself. Her husband died when Benjamin was a young boy.

Little Daniela had just come back from playing and when she saw me, she rushed to say "Hi".

"How are you?" I said as I patted the top of her head.

"I'm good. I"m so glad you came back." She looked at her mother who quietly poured Coke on a glass with small cubes of ice. Diana ignored her.

I held out a small tin of shortbread cookies to Daniela who eyed the shiny tin happily as she let out a short gasp.

"Share with your brothers, okay?"

The two Mrs. Suarez sat on separate chairs opposite each other, the older making small talk, mostly thanking me for my help and briefly chastising the younger one for not showing more appreciation. I was about to say something when Benjamin emerged from the bedroom. He hobbled towards an unoccupied chair but Diana stood up for him to take her chair.

From the looks in her eyes, one could see that Mrs. Suarez's favorite child is Benjamin. I understood that she gave birth to Benjamin after her family converted to their present religion. They were not rich but they were comfortable and I understood from their stories that the elders at their church had helped them a lot. This was why it was important that Benjamin married someone within the faith. Diana was the clear choice when she promptly converted to their faith. Not the obscure girl from a Catholic family.

A few weeks had passed before I saw Benjamin again. I had deliberately avoided visiting him as I felt uncomfortable with Diana's cold reaction to me and confused albeit understanding of Benjamin's family's wonderful treatment. I sincerely did not want Diana to feel like I was intruding, although I enjoyed the friendly reception of his mother and sisters.


Benjamin had no sign of his injuries and the lip stitches didn't seem to have left any mark at all. He had wanted to take me to dinner to thank me. I chose to go to a restaurant which I knew Lee would never go to.

The trouble with Benjamin and me was that whenever we saw each other, we acted like there's no one else in the world but us. Friends would see us together and greet us and we would barely acknowledge them, and it wasn't like we were hiding from anyone. We could talk about anything, big and small, important and trivial, with the same intensity and interest. Sometimes I felt inadequate for someone with a college degree and there were a lot of things that I didn't know about that Benjamin knew. He was up to speed on current events and could express either a biased or a non-biased opinion. And I was (and still am) a sucker for being pampered. I liked it that he held the door for me every time, holding my elbow as we walked through, being ahead of me when going down the stairs and behind me when going up; he shielded me from the rain and from the sun. He and Lee were a lot like each other.

The intimate part became inevitable, and it came with no warning, but with no surprise either. It just happened one night when Lee was away on business. We did not discuss it at all. When it happened we just let the circumstance lead us and we followed its flow. The one thing I learned from it was that the act of making love was so different and more fulfilling, emotionally and physically, when you are both so much in love with one another.

Not that I didn't love Lee. I'd give the world to him if that would make him happy. But I'd go to the end of the world for Benjamin. I would die for Benjamin. And I lived for Benjamin.

we can't be friends...

As soon as Lee and I arrived back in town, I called St. Mary's Hospital to find out if Benjamin had been discharged as scheduled. The operator confirmed so. There was a hurt look in Lee's eyes as I pushed my bags in a corner of the living room and rushed out.

"Lee, honey," I said. "Benjamin's an old friend. Please don't be jealous."

Lee nodded and smiled, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. It had been a pleasant week at the beaches up north in Ilocos. I had never seen him so relaxed. I had to take him away from work and from his family so he could unwind. His wife had been creating so many problems for him and the children were not cooperating either. Lee had a tendency to drink excessively. The doctor had warned him about his already fragile liver. So I took him away for a week so he could relax. Of course, I had to ask the hotel for the use of the telex machine so he could still communicate with the office.

But now, we were back. To the city. To his business. To reality.

"If I divorce Rosaire, and we get married, would that be enough to keep you in the relationship?" he quietly asked, his face turned to the window, overlooking the financial district's skyline.

"That's not a fair question, Lee," I replied. "Am I out of the relationship? What are you talking about?"

"This Benjamin, he seems so important to you."

"He was in an accident. I promised to see him when I came back. He is a very good friend. I would like to know how he's doing."

"Were you thinking of him while we were away?"

I rolled my eyes in exasperation. "Lee, I have no time for this, please. And no, I wasn't. Thinking of him while we were away." I headed for the door. "And just so you know, I am still in the relationship right now, and when I come back. If you want me to." I opened door, stepped out and closed it behind me.


I didn't have a hard time finding Benjamin's house. He and his family lived in a big house where the other occupants were his unmarried sisters and brother and their mother. Benjamin's was a one-bedroom affair on the second floor. He was sitting on a chair when I arrived. Diana let me in, without as much as a single word. But at least she smiled at me.

"Who are you?" a little girl, their four-year-old daughter asked me, beaming a smile. One of her front teeth was missing.

"I'm Cynthia," I said. "What's your name?"

"Daniella," she replied. "I like you."

"I like you, too, Daniella. But what happened to your tooth?"

The girl laughed rather shyly and went to bury her face in her father's arms.

I spied Diana heading out the door.

"Are you leaving?" I asked.

"Yes, I have to go to the pharmacy," she replied, "to get his medicine." She waved her hand in Benjamin's direction. Then she was gone.

"Ben, is she really upset? Because if she is, I will leave right now. I don't want to cause you any trouble."

"She's jealous," he said. "I suppose it's a natural reaction."

Daniella sat on my lap.

"My mommy is jealous of you. I know why."

"Why?" I asked and Benjamin winked at me.

"Because you're pretty. She said you love my daddy."

"Oh, your mommy is very pretty, too, don't you think?"

"Yes," she said as her little hand caressed the curls of my hair. "You smell nice."

"C," Benjamin started to say. "Thank you for your help. I didn't ask to call you so you could help me, I want you to know that."

"It's okay, Ben. Everything comes down to us being friends. And if I can help, why not?"

"I didn't want to die without seeing you." He leaned against the window sill as he spoke. "Strangely enough, with each blow, with each punch, all I could think of was you." He slowly shook his head, eyes almost welling in tears. "I couldn't explain that. Not to Diana. Not even to myself."

"You told Diana?" I was aghast as he slowly nodded his head.

The brief moment of silence that existed between us seemed to take hours. I didn't know what to say, but I knew what to do: I wanted to embrace him and kiss him. I wanted to have Benjamin.

He broke the silence, and I was thankful for it.

"I won't be able to pay you right away. I mean, I can pay you little by little as soon as I get back to work."

I smiled at "little by little".

"I'm not asking you to pay me back. I'm not expecting anything back. I just wanted to help out, that's all."

"But that's a big amount of money."

I shrugged my shoulders and Daniella mimicked me.

"My mommy said she doesn't like you." Daniella said this with a smile. Benjamin's eyes bulged in surprise. "She said you and her cannot be friends."

"Why?" I asked in a playful tone.

Benjamin tried to stop Daniella, but the words already spewed out of the young girl's mouth.

"Because she said my daddy loves you more."

and so...

"Who was the handsome young man with you at lunch today?" Lee asked as he bent down to kiss me on the forehead.

We were at the L'Orange for dinner with one of his important clients, Mr. Pratt, the owner of the largest poultry farm in the country. Lee's company supplied and maintained the machineries and equipment for this client. Mr. Pratt wanted to sign the contract for a second batch of equipment for his company's expansion plans over at dinner.

In the dim lighting of the restaurant, as Lee sat on the other side of the table, I saw the glint of jealousy in his eyes. Lee had always been the insecure one in the relationship, even though he's the one who was married, even though he's the one who flirts with women most of the time, even though he's the wealthy one and can afford any other women. The twenty-two years between us was like a nasty ghost that seemed to haunt him and no matter what I say to reassure him that I loved him, the insecurity still reared its ugly head.

"So you were at Sakura this afternoon! I wish I saw you. You should've said hello and I could've introduced you to Benjamin." I spread the large white damask table napkin over my lap. The waiter came with Lee's favourite wine which I had ordered as soon as I had arrived.

"Who is Benjamin?" Lee asked.

"Ex-boyfriend," I said, "from college."

I took a sip of the wine and looked at Lee squarely in the eyes above the rim of my glass. He winced. "No need to be jealous, darling. He's happily married and has three young children."

I pulled out a manila envelope from my brief case and took out copies of the company's bid for Mr. Pratt. It was also my way of changing the subject. Presently, Mr. Pratt arrived with a young woman clinging to his arm - a pretty young thing whose face was thick with make-up. Although such thickness still didn't hide the fact the pretty young thing is a convent girl, one who comes from a well-off family and studying or studied in an all-girls exclusive school which was run by nuns. I suspected, as Lee had earlier confirmed, that Mr. Pratt wanted me to be friends with his little girlfriend.

After the obligatory introduction, we sat down and ordered dinner. Mr. Pratt and Lee talked business while his young companion tried to engage me in conversation about hair, clothes and make-up. Of course, she was disappointed that I did not go to any particularly famous hairdresser, nor did I have my own "coutourier" and that my clothes were bought off-the-rack at a middle class department store. Horrors! Lee had in the beginning of our relationship tried to convince me to go to a named designer but when I finally got convinced, I chose a young aspiring designer to sew my dress for a wedding I had to attend. That was it! The only concession we agreed on was my expensive, high end make up. I did patronize YSL and Chanel but only to some extent. I believed then, as I do now, that it's how one carries the dress, and the makeup. As for the hair, I hate anyone fiddling with my hair, except to trim it once in a while.

When we drove home, Lee made several attempts at gushing about how pretty Mr. Pratt's young companion was. I knew it was all a farce.

"Lee," I said, "Benjamin means nothing; he's all in the past. You don't have to pretend to be attracted to whatever-her-name is to make me jealous, because I can't get jealous. Not with the little tarte," I said. We drove the rest of the way home in silence.

That night, Lee and I made love, but for the first time, I felt guilty because all throughout the act, I had been thinking of Benjamin.

What would it be like to hold Benjamin, or to be held by him. In college, when we dated, we went as far as kissing and petting. Benjamin was an excellent kisser and his hands were light, his touch felt like a feather floating in the air. And he was sweet, in words and in action. From that night on, I had always wondered how it would be like to be loved by Benjamin. Because of this, I chose to limit seeing him. I was afraid that I might fall in love all over again if I saw him often. Benjamin seemed happy with his family and I was committed to Lee at the time. I told myself that re-living the past would not bring any good to anyone.

But the thought persisted. And so this time, it was I who chose to stay away.

a conversation

The head waiter stopped by our table.

"Hello, Miss Cynthia." He bowed his head slightly.

"Hi, Miguel," I said. "You're on the night shift today, I see."

I ordered tea and Benjamin ordered coffee. It was already well past midnight, after his three beers and my one glass of wine, and we still had a lot of stories to tell each other. I asked Miguel to bring the bill. After the waiter had left, Ben remarked, "I'm impressed, they know you here."

"I send them business all the time, why shouldn't they? Part of my job," I said as I fished out my credit card from my wallet and placed it on the table.

"You're out of my reach, C," he said, the sadness in his voice evident.

"What do you mean, I'm out of your reach?" I asked, although I knew what he meant.

"Look at you and your achievements, while I'm still a lowly sales clerk. You finished your course, I didn't. The only advancement I made in my life is I'm now a sales clerk for an expensive department store. But I'm so glad for you. And yet I feel guilty."

"Guilty?" I said. "Guilty about what?"

"That maybe I drove you into this situation you're in." He gestured his one hand towards me. "You're shacking up with a married man, despite the fact that he's separated. You deserve more than that, you know?"

"Don't worry about me, Ben. It's not anybody's fault I am with a married man. I chose to do this." I looked at him straight into the eye and said, "Remember, I am master of my fate, I am captain of my soul."

He chuckled. In college, when he was still Danny's "bridge", I would join him and his classmates in digesting their literary assignments in English. That passage from William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus was my favourite.

"I remember what you told me one time when we were still in school." He fidgeted with his lighter as he spoke. "That getting a higher education is your one goal to get out of your family's poverty. I admired your conviction, and to see you actually doing it. I feel so envious and proud of you, at the same time, if it is at all possible to feel that way."

"The only regret I have is that Mother is no longer around for this." I looked away. Miguel came by with our tea and coffee and picked up my credit card.

"Well, I still feel guilty," Benjamin said. "It makes me think that it was I who broke you. It hurts me, C, it really does."

"Well, you did break my heart, you know," I said, but smiling. "But that was a long time ago. I've moved on, you've moved on. What happened after that has nothing to do with you. It's all my own doing." I searched for emotion in his face, but the sparkle in his eyes, no matter how sad he said he was, distracted me and I lost my trend of thought. I hesitated a bit before I said, "The way things are now is just fine with me, I assure you." I patted his hand and winked at him.

"You know, I still believe that if we're really meant for each other, it would happen even if we're seventy."

"Seventy? That's too old!"

He looked at me. A smile formed in the corner his lips.

"I don't want to be that old. I'd be all wrinkly and droopy by then!" It was at this point when Miguel came back with the bill.

"We won't be able to have sex by then!" The words poured out of my mouth in jest. I saw the shock in his face, the cheeks already red from the three beers he already had. Miguel smiled discreetly and hurriedly left.

I waved my hand in a dismissive gesture with a large grin. "I'm kidding."