and so...

"Who was the handsome young man with you at lunch today?" Lee asked as he bent down to kiss me on the forehead.

We were at the L'Orange for dinner with one of his important clients, Mr. Pratt, the owner of the largest poultry farm in the country. Lee's company supplied and maintained the machineries and equipment for this client. Mr. Pratt wanted to sign the contract for a second batch of equipment for his company's expansion plans over at dinner.

In the dim lighting of the restaurant, as Lee sat on the other side of the table, I saw the glint of jealousy in his eyes. Lee had always been the insecure one in the relationship, even though he's the one who was married, even though he's the one who flirts with women most of the time, even though he's the wealthy one and can afford any other women. The twenty-two years between us was like a nasty ghost that seemed to haunt him and no matter what I say to reassure him that I loved him, the insecurity still reared its ugly head.

"So you were at Sakura this afternoon! I wish I saw you. You should've said hello and I could've introduced you to Benjamin." I spread the large white damask table napkin over my lap. The waiter came with Lee's favourite wine which I had ordered as soon as I had arrived.

"Who is Benjamin?" Lee asked.

"Ex-boyfriend," I said, "from college."

I took a sip of the wine and looked at Lee squarely in the eyes above the rim of my glass. He winced. "No need to be jealous, darling. He's happily married and has three young children."

I pulled out a manila envelope from my brief case and took out copies of the company's bid for Mr. Pratt. It was also my way of changing the subject. Presently, Mr. Pratt arrived with a young woman clinging to his arm - a pretty young thing whose face was thick with make-up. Although such thickness still didn't hide the fact the pretty young thing is a convent girl, one who comes from a well-off family and studying or studied in an all-girls exclusive school which was run by nuns. I suspected, as Lee had earlier confirmed, that Mr. Pratt wanted me to be friends with his little girlfriend.

After the obligatory introduction, we sat down and ordered dinner. Mr. Pratt and Lee talked business while his young companion tried to engage me in conversation about hair, clothes and make-up. Of course, she was disappointed that I did not go to any particularly famous hairdresser, nor did I have my own "coutourier" and that my clothes were bought off-the-rack at a middle class department store. Horrors! Lee had in the beginning of our relationship tried to convince me to go to a named designer but when I finally got convinced, I chose a young aspiring designer to sew my dress for a wedding I had to attend. That was it! The only concession we agreed on was my expensive, high end make up. I did patronize YSL and Chanel but only to some extent. I believed then, as I do now, that it's how one carries the dress, and the makeup. As for the hair, I hate anyone fiddling with my hair, except to trim it once in a while.

When we drove home, Lee made several attempts at gushing about how pretty Mr. Pratt's young companion was. I knew it was all a farce.

"Lee," I said, "Benjamin means nothing; he's all in the past. You don't have to pretend to be attracted to whatever-her-name is to make me jealous, because I can't get jealous. Not with the little tarte," I said. We drove the rest of the way home in silence.

That night, Lee and I made love, but for the first time, I felt guilty because all throughout the act, I had been thinking of Benjamin.

What would it be like to hold Benjamin, or to be held by him. In college, when we dated, we went as far as kissing and petting. Benjamin was an excellent kisser and his hands were light, his touch felt like a feather floating in the air. And he was sweet, in words and in action. From that night on, I had always wondered how it would be like to be loved by Benjamin. Because of this, I chose to limit seeing him. I was afraid that I might fall in love all over again if I saw him often. Benjamin seemed happy with his family and I was committed to Lee at the time. I told myself that re-living the past would not bring any good to anyone.

But the thought persisted. And so this time, it was I who chose to stay away.