life goes on

I kept Benjamin's letter for a long time. At one point, I had memorized its contents. In later years, I would read it back whenever a relationship went wrong. His letter served as my initiation to the realities of life. As a young person, I was told, I had read and I believed that love trascends all differences, that love conquers all. Benjamin's letter proved it was an ideal, something that is perceived only in the mind, that it could be attained but at an enormous price. In later years, Benjamin's letter served as a reminder to me that nothing good lasted forever. It kept me grounded whenever a new relationship started.

But Benjamin became my measuring stick. He was a complete gentleman. Whenever he walked me to the jeepney station, he walked on the outside part of the sidewalk, opened the door and let me enter or leave first, always holding on to my elbow. He was always ready to protect me. I had never seen him get angry. He was not a confrontational person. He was always ready to help out. Best of all, he was always smiling.

A year later, Danny heard that Benjamin had an accident. He made every effort so I could visit him. I didn't want to upset his family with my visit so Danny took E.S. along with us. We were to pretend we were all just his friends.

I saw the sparkle in his eyes when he saw me. I kept my best "just friend" look, but seeing his injuries, I broke down. Throughout the visit, I sat down opposite him unable to speak, unable to even touch him. When we were leaving, however, he did manage to come near me and squeezed my hand, whispered for me to not worry about him and that he was okay.

"Thank you for the poem," he said.

In May of that year, I wrote a poem for his birthday which got published in a magazine. He read the magazine, saw the poem, titled "Many Happy Returns of the Day, to my Benjamin". Before I could say anything to him, E.S. pulled me out of the house; she said Benjamin's brother and mother were staring.

While waiting for our ride back to the school, Danny said, "They knew you, Cynthia."

"I don't know why you couldn't restrain yourself from crying. Of course, his family knows you are the Catholic girlfriend!" said E.S.


I kept a picture of Benjamin in my wallet. It bore no writing at the back. Three years later, I got involved with a young engineer in my office. Whenever we would go to the canteen for a meal, Jaime always commented on the picture which he assumed was my father's. I never felt the need to correct him so that when one day, he heard one of the girls asking me about the picture, Jaime got so angry, he forced me to discard it. I refused. It was our first fight. In the end because I hated any more arguments, I gave in.

It was ironic then that when I was breaking up with Jaime two years later, it was Benjamin who made me make up my mind to do so. Jaime and I were having an argument while walking, when suddenly, Benjamin turned up. He didn't see me right away, but his name just came out of my mouth. When he saw me, walking with Jaime, Jaime trying to pull me away, I saw the hurt in Benjamin's eyes. I kept looking back to Jaime's disgust. Right then and there, I told Jaime we were through.

When I looked again in Benjamin's direction, he was gone.